Photo by Dominic Nazeri
In July I wrote End Well to Begin Well in which I talked about my relationship to change and how I used to run from feeling and experiencing the ‘futile void’ of endings. And yet all that happened was I carried that unfinished weight with me, to the next relationship, the next job, the next country, the next 'whatever'. The more I ran, the more I came back to the same emotionally stuck place. Nothing ever really changed until one day I was forced to stop and face my feelings towards endings and change.
It is only when we do this, that we can begin the process of being released from the heavy chains of our past: from turning into the parent/person we most feared, from getting stuck in the place we always promised we’d leave, from ending up in the career we always swore we’d never do.
And our reward for finding the courage to change our past is that we can then turn round and create a future that will bring us great happiness with the inner confidence and peace to embrace it.
So here are my 7 Golden Rules for creating the future you want:
1. You have to believe and it all starts with believing in yourself! This ultimately means believing you are worthy of receiving love. If you don’t love yourself, not ego love but deep inner love, then you cannot begin to love others and embrace your life. To paraphrase Ghandi, our Beliefs become our Destiny. If we don’t believe passionately that we are worthy and deserving of receiving that optimum future, we will inevitably create the self-fulfilling defeatist one we most fear.
2. Work out how you sabotage yourself: i.e. being cynical or doubting, freezing in fear, over-thinking, not remembering or being distracted by the ‘noise’. Understanding the ‘games’ we play to sabotage ourselves defuses their power and enables us to face forwards.
3. You have to commit to change. Understanding is not enough. We can have all the wishes and self-awareness in the world but unless we are willing to apply ourselves and work hard, our vision will come to nothing. Committing to change is also developing clear boundaries. We cannot be rigid and fixed: life always gets in the way and we have to be ready to respond. Learning the skill of discernment, however, will protect us: what really matters and what is simply a distraction. This is when we finally stop being the good boy/girl and grow up.
4. Listen to your Intuitive Intelligence, your inner voice. This is your greatest guide and the source of your imagination and hope. Feed these with healthy nutrients: creative stillness, film, theatre, music, dance, art, great literature etc. Create visual guides such as images, photos, collages and practice personal mantras, reinforcing positive messages. You will need these when you wobble…and you will periodically wobble!.. in the face of those forces resistant to your change.
5. Keep tuned into your Physical Intelligence. This is your instinctual body: your physical fitness, energy, nutrition and sleep. This is the source of your positive energy and involves understanding your personal rhythm and how and when you are at your best. Timing and Pacing is everything going forward: ‘Knowing when to float and when to swim!’ Blair Robertson. Your instinct and intuition will tell you.
6. You need ‘to be willing to crash and burn’, Steve Jobs.We will never create the future we most want if we get stuck in fear, telling ourselves: “I will go for it if I’m 100% guaranteed it will work.” or “I’ll keep holding tight to what I’ve got, however miserable I am, until fate brings something better.” We cannot be passive. We have to do our part and be willing to take risks. Not blind risks but ones deeply rooted in our intuition and instinct as we feel our way through. This is what taking the red pill means *. It is taking the path we most fear but the one we know will lead us to our optimum future Self and life. We also learn that it is a circuitous path with many bumps in the road. We stop seeing these bumps as failures and more as adventures leading us to an extraordinary life we could not have imagined when we took that first step.
7. You cannot do this on your own. A hard rule to learn for high achievers! We need to accept the love and generosity of others. There will always be many doubters, even loved ones, who fear change and will try to sabotage us. To balance these, we need to create our inner circle, others also finding the courage to take the leap into faith. This is where we will find real gold and finally understand what true happiness is.
*See The Courage to Dance