I recently wrote about paralysing self-doubt and how this can be very harmful for us. And then I watched Ralph Fiennes in the new film ‘Conclave’ speak these words: ‘Certainty is the greatest sin. If there is only certainty, there would be no doubt. And if there is no doubt, there would be no mystery…and therefore no need for faith.’
I was mesmerised. This statement is richly layered and it packs a punch. We are all living with the consequences of rigid certainty in some form and it causes great harm. This fixed mindset is my kryptonite and it scares me. There is always a threat of aggression behind it: it’s rooted in unprocessed wounded emotion, even if it initially fools us and sounds ‘logical’. I can now tell the difference between someone in fine rational thinking mode, and someone stuck in rigid certainty: the former is open to discussion, exploration and change. The latter can only think in binary terms: ‘I am right therefore you must be wrong; I must kill you or else you will kill me’. The best indicator of this fixed mindset is visceral: there is a tight, fearful aggressive energy and this person is in pure fight mode. For some reason, holding so tightly to their beliefs is a matter of survival, albeit unconsciously. It’s always helpful to ask yourself: what are they so fearful of losing? Why is letting go of that belief fundamentally so threatening to them?
In contrast, the change mindset knows that we can be wrong, that our opinions and values are often rooted in archaic belief systems that might no longer be relevant, and we are open and excited to learn more and evolve our thinking and values. We also know there are paradoxical truths which can confuse, yes, but we have learned to trust that we will navigate through polarised positions to find a third way, a win-win outcome. When we are in this mindset, our energy is flowing: it is strong and fluid, and we are in sync and balanced. Unlike the fixed mindset, which stubbornly compartmentalises, we are beautifully integrated on all levels: mind, body, heart and soul, enabling us to be open to the new and the unknown.
Doubt is core to this mindset. The word ‘doubt’ originates from the Latin, ‘dubitare’ which means to hesitate. It allows for a pause…not the knee-jerk emotive reaction of the fixed mindset…to use our fine mind to question rigid, unprocessed beliefs and opinions in ourselves and in others. This is the skill of ‘detached involvement’, the discipline of fully experiencing the moment and simultaneously connecting to our helicopter vision to make sense of what’s happening so we can make wise decisions and choices going forwards.
‘If there is only certainty, there would be no doubt. And if there is no doubt, there would be no mystery…and therefore no need for faith.’
So, what is the difference between this healthy doubt that hesitates to swallow rigid beliefs and the self-doubt I explored in my recent article: ‘I recently wrote a trilogy of articles on ‘Letting go of the Good Girl’, each one exploring a key aspect of the Good Girl. I’ve been reflecting further on one particular aspect: ‘Good Girls do not listen to their inner truth…their intuition…and consequently learn to doubt themselves, which is manifested in over-apologising and low self-worth.
I am not talking here about a healthy pause, using our fine mind to question rigid, unprocessed beliefs and opinions in ourselves and in others. I am talking about paralysing self-doubt: the clash between our inner voice that knows intuitively what we need to do and the ‘Critical Parent’, that inner judgmental, harsh voice which insidiously attacks us, rendering us powerless and exposed. It is this impasse that forces us to hesitate, not trusting what is best and most life enhancing for us.’ https://www.cascad.co.uk/post/overcome-self-doubt-and-speak-your-truth
Self-doubt is not about our opinions, beliefs etc. It is the distrusting of our inner core, of our right to exist. It is a giving away of our own sovereignty to those we perceive as more powerful than ourselves. It is the antitheses of the arrogant fixed mindset which has no room for doubt of any kind, though ironically both stem from a fragile ego.
When we are at ease with healthy, questioning doubt, we are open to the secret space between certainty and control. The word ‘Mystery’ comes from the Greek ‘Myst’ meaning secret. The fixed mindset fears what it does not know and wants to control and conquer it. The change mindset has the imagination to wonder and be in awe of what is beyond our physical world. It is only in this stillness, this space between, that we are open to the mystery. And then the magic can begin!
Every November I write a Perspectives Post to celebrate the special celebration of Thanksgiving. Most cultures in the Northern hemisphere celebrate the harvest: giving thanks for the bounty of all that has been gathered in protective readiness for the starkness of the winter ahead. For 13 consecutive years I annually hosted a Thanksgiving dinner in London. This began back in 2010 when two of my American friends were stuck in London and I blithely offered to cook their Thanksgiving dinner. I had assumed it would be simply roasting a turkey with its trimmings but how wrong I was! I discovered there are, within each American family, deeply entrenched expectations of what must be served at the Thanksgiving table. As in all cultures, this ritual of ‘breaking bread’ together has profound emotional and psychological resonance, unconsciously connecting us to our ancestral roots. We can all get surprisingly upset when long held, unquestioned traditions are altered, even if the change is infinitely for the better.
In keeping with the American custom, we observe the Thanksgiving tradition of sharing what we are thankful for. I deeply love this ritual: it is a meaningful pause as we approach the end of the year, allowing us a moment to reflect on the year behind us before we begin the sparkling festivities of December and create our hopes and wishes for the forthcoming year.
There have been years when giving thanks has been joyous and easy, when the festival catches us in a happy moment in our lives. And there have been years when it has been tough, when some of us are in a place of adversity or sorrow and sharing has been painful. Either way we have learned not to sit in isolation. That to share the happy and also the sad times in our lives is what creates intimacy and brings us even closer.
In Equanimity: finding our inner poise I discussed the four components that create the Equanimity pipeline: Gratitude, Acceptance, Forgiveness and Hope. As I focussed on writing the Gratitude component, I was very conscious of this beautiful ritual of Thanksgiving:
‘Gratitude: What really helps ground me fast when I’m feeling destabilised, is connecting to thankfulness. To all that is good in my life, however challenging or dark it might feel in the moment. I start with baby steps: small and obvious things, but as I get into the rhythm of naming what I’m thankful for, my list deepens and each time an extraordinary thing happens. As I begin to let go of all that is wrong in my life, everything I feel anxious or hurt about, and focus on all that is good in my life, I experience an energetic, visceral shift: my heart opens, and I feel a warmth and peace flowing through me.
From this place of gentle gratitude, I go into my ‘Stillness’ and tune into my inner voice, my intuitive intelligence. From here I gain a sense of perspective: is this a real crisis, relative crisis…or no crisis? Understanding which one it is, gives me a sense of how I can respond going forwards. As Victor Frankl taught us: ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’ We cannot always stop external events from happening, but we can create a pause in how we choose to react. This is what we can control. We can focus on what is going to bring us inner strength and equilibrium in that ‘space between’, i.e. what will stabilise us.’
I am finishing this on Thanksgiving Day, sitting in the Crypt café at St. Paul’s Cathedral. I have just been to the beautiful American Thanksgiving Service, another ritual I do every year when in London. As I arrived, the first Address was read on behalf of the American Ambassador. His words captured all I love about this festival: ‘Thanksgiving is exclusive to no religion and is inclusive to all people. There is nothing truly orthodox about it.’
Thanksgiving has sustained because it embraces everyone. It reminds us to love and be thankful for all that is good in our lives and to let go of all that is harmful to us. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving and wherever you are in the world, how about taking a moment to pause and allow yourself to open up to all that is good, healthy, joyous…and wondrously mysterious in your life?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Hannah Elizabeth Greenwood
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